Why Don't You Like Me?

A lot of people go through life asking this question - why don't they like me? They look at others who are surrounded by friends and who seem to be people magnets and wonder - why can't that be me?

Believe it or not, many studies have been done to determine just exactly what it is that causes us to like someone. You may be surprised by the results. In his book, The Me I Want To Be, John Ortberg shares that "Out of all the causes - physical attractiveness, IQ, ability, personality type - the number one factor that determines whether or not you will like another person is whether or not they like us. If they like you, you will like them. If they don't like you, you will not like them." Of course there are exceptions, but in general this is true. So what are the implications of this?

For one thing, it appears that how we interact with people has a great deal to do with how they treat us. It seems that what Dale Carnegie taught years ago is true. He wrote a book called How to Win Friends and Influence People that was a bestseller for a long time. Here's a quote from that book: "You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you." In light of the studies Ortberg talks about, this seems to be borne out in real life.

The question, then, would seem to be, how can we develop a genuine interest in people? I'm not talking about learning sales techniques in order to fool someone into thinking that you like them. I'm talking about learning how to genuinely be a people person. I think the greatest example of this in history is Jesus Christ.

As we read the Gospels we find that people were drawn to him, and no wonder. He welcomed every encounter with anyone who was genuine. Even with those with whom He disagreed, His goal was to point them towards the truth. He crossed social and cultural boundaries to add value to people who were outcasts. He made world-changers out of people to whom no-one else paid attention. What did He see that others didn't?

Jesus knew that every person He laid eyes on was created in the image of God, and as such, had innate value. It was this principle that the U.S. founding fathers seized on as they stated in the preamble to the Declaration of Independence: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness."

In the context of Jesus' life and actions, He treated each person who came to Him with respect, recognizing their intrinsic value. As Bill Hybels said, “We have never locked eyes with someone that did not matter to God.” Christians, in particular, need to grasp this truth. We may disagree with people, but we don't have to be disagreeable.

It's about your attitude.

You can either see people as assets or enemies. If you view them with suspicion, they will sense that and not be drawn to you. If, however, you're one of those who believes that every stranger is simply a friend you haven't met yet, you will have no shortage of friends. Treat people as you wish to be treated (the Golden Rule). As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "Trust men and they will be true to you; treat them greatly and they will show themselves great."

Let's look at some good habits to develop if you want to be a people person.

• Smile.

This is so easy to do and makes such a big difference. Have you noticed that a smile is infectious? Try it on the next person you meet. Smile and greet them warmly. First impressions are important and a smile gives a good first impression. Most of the time it is reciprocated. When it's not, let it go.

• Show genuine interest.

Don't pry - that can be creepy. But allow the other person to tell you something about themselves. Engage in the conversation. One thing I've learned is that everyone has a story, everyone has dreams, and everyone wants to be heard. The problem with many of us is that we're often too busy talking about ourselves to listen. Good listeners are never lonely.

• Remember names.

This is something I have to work on. I remember when I first came to my current congregation. I met a man in the foyer before the service and we talked for a few minutes. As he left I said, "Goodbye Fred, it was nice meeting you." Now sixteen years later he has still not forgotten that I remembered his name. (I wish I could do that all the time). One method to try is to use the person's name three times in a conversation before you say goodbye. That helps to match the name with the face in your memory bank. There's no sweeter sound to people than their own name.

• Add value to people.

What can you do to make a difference in the life of the people you meet? Can you connect them with someone? Can you share information with them? Can you buy them a coffee? This afternoon I was in the drive-thru at the coffee shop when I noticed a friend of mine was in the truck behind me. I decided to be nice and buy his coffee. When I pulled up to the window I was surprised to find that the vehicle in front of me had already purchased mine! None of us spent a lot of money, but the kindness brought a smile to all of our faces.

Let me conclude with some helpful quotes on the subject:

• "This is the final test of a gentleman: his respect for those who can be of no possible service to him." - William Lyon Phelps
• "To love a person means to see him as God intended him to be." - Fyodor Dostoyevski
• "The most useful person in the world today is the man or woman who knows how to get along with other people. Human relations is the most important science in living." - Stanley C. Allyn
• "You have two choices: You can act as though you tolerate people, or you can appreciate people. Those who appreciate people are going to make others more comfortable." - Roger Ailes
• "If you judge people, you have no time to love them." - Mother Teresa

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Creating Positive Change

Change - one of the most feared words in some organizations and the defining ethos of others. As we lead, it's also one of the prerequisite skill sets: the ability to navigate change successfully. That being said, I find the following quote from Lyle Schaller particularly insightful.

"Anyone seriously interested in planning social change would be well advised to recognize two facts of life. First, despite the claims of any, relatively little is known about change. Second, much of what is known will not work."

Now that we have that disclaimer out of the way, let's look at some keys to bringing about successful change in an organization.

• Be willing to change yourself.

If we are going to lead change, we must first model the adaptability required for change. There are some leaders who resist change in their own lives, yet expect others to be enthusiastic about it. Here's the how-to on personal change.

1. Admit the need to change.
2. Assume responsibility for that change.
3. Evaluate - why am I the way I am?
4. What can I do about it? Set personal goals. Find a mentor.
5. Start today.
6. Celebrate when you get there.

If you are comfortable with change, your people will be much more likely to follow.

• Lead for the benefit of the people.

People know when they matter and when they don't. In order to be a change agent that lasts, you must first win the hearts of your people. See The Levels of Leadership and remember, "People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care." If people don't believe that you have their best interests at heart, they will not follow and will resist change.

John Maxwell uses an illustration where coins represent influence. When you are brought in to your new position you are given a certain amount of coins, which represent influence. When you make a good decision, an people recognize it, they give you more coins. When you blow it, you give some back. The wise leader recognizes whether they have enough coin to attempt a specific change. The more coin they have collected, the greater risk they can take. But be careful, when you run out of coin it's time to call U-haul.

• Create an environment where change is normal.

Begin small, but make positive changes. It's generally best, at least at first, to add rather than subtract. Give more options. This can demonstrate why the change you propose is better than its predecessor. Get some wins under your belt. As seen in the example above, this allows you to move to more substantive changes that will move your organization forward. You will find that as the organization moves forward, change becomes easier. It's much easier to steer a ship when it is moving; it's impossible when it's standing still. John Maxwell gives some very helpful tips for creating a climate for change in his book Developing The Leader Within You.

1. The leader must develop a trust with people.
2. The leader must make personal changes before asking others to change.
3. Good leaders understand the history of the organization.
4. Place influencers in leadership positions.
5. Check the "change in your pocket."
6. Good leadsers solicit the support of influencers before the change is made public.
7. Develop a meeting agenda that will assist change.
8. Encourage the influencers to influence others informally.
9. Show the people how the change will benefit them.
10. Give the people ownership of the change. 

• Be a vision caster.

People want to know why a change is taking place. They want to be convinced that this is a good thing and will benefit them and the organization before they commit. A skilled vision caster will paint a picture of a preferable future. Remember the Pareto Principle (20/80). Invest your time in influencing the 20% of your people who can help you influence the rest. If your top 20% aren't with you, wait, or be prepared for a long battle and likely failure.

So share your vision. Why is this a good idea? Remember that the goal is to move the organization forward and to improve the lives of your people. As Max Depree said, "In the end, it is important to remember that we cannot become what we need to be by remaining what we are."

• Make incremental changes when necessary.

Sometimes major changes are necessary; and sometimes major changes in direction will result in many people being thrown overboard. The more established the organization, generally speaking, the more gradula th changes need to be made. In a quote from the church world, Pastor Ron Stewart says that "Every church will turn 180 degrees in 10 degree increments."

• Celebrate the victories.

Find creative ways to have a party when a change has been successful. This will help to create an environment where change is seen in a more favorable light and will likely make the next one easier. Make heroes of the successful change agents in your organization if that is a value you want duplicated. Remember that "what gets rewarded gets done."

Quotes on change:

• "The leaders in any organization must be the environmental change agents." - John Maxwell
• "Great change dominates the world, and unless we move with change we will become its victims." - Robert F. Kennedy
• "If you want to make enemies, try to change something." - Woodrow Wilson  
• "The foolish and the dead alone never change their opinions." - James Russell Lowell
• "If your horse is dead, for goodness sake - dismount." - Eddy Ketchursid
• "It's the most unhappy people who most fear change." - Mignon Mclaughlin

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Growing a Thick Skin

One thing that is guaranteed, regardless of your field of leadership, you will be subject to criticism. Often it's the way that we respond to our critics that can determine whether we succeed or fail over the long term.

A lot of leaders are like the young man who's father gave him advice as he joined the military. He told him to "always get in the middle of the line and don't draw attention to yourself." That might work in the military, but it certainly won't work in leadership. The nature of the beast is that we are up front, making decisions, casting vision and being accountable. All of these things attract attention and criticism.

What are the keys to handling criticism and being healthy in leadership?

Recognize it as a normal part of the job.
You will be criticized. Don't be surprised when it happens. Not every decision you make is going to be popular with everyone. That's life. The greatest leaders were all the recipients of healthy doses of criticism. It didn't mean that they weren't good leaders, it meant they were doing something.

Look after your emotional health.
From my own experience, I have found that when I am emotionally healthy, it is much easier to take criticism in stride. Conversely, when I have allowed myself to be run down and have neglected myself emotionally, negative feedback has a much greater impact.

As leaders, we need to know ourselves. Recognize the signs that you are pushing your limits. Before you reach that point, take action.

• Return to your strengths, those things that build your confidence.
• Take a break if you can. Look toward the finish line, whether it be the weekend, the end of the assignment, or that much needed vacation. 
• Turn to your support network. Who are those trusted people that you can rely on to pick you up when times get tough? 
• Share the load. Delegate. We should do this all the time, but especially when we are overwhelmed, just remember to delegate, not dump.

Accept the pressure of the moment.
You are the leader. Don't run, hide or obfuscate. Face the challenge and deal with it accordingly. This is a particular challenge for those who don't like confrontation or difficult conversations but, as stated above, it comes with the territory. Face it and fix it.

Hear your critics.
Surprisingly, sometimes critics are our best friends. Winston Churchill said that “Criticism may not be agreeable, but it is necessary. It fulfils the same function as pain in the human body. It calls attention to an unhealthy state of things.” Even our worst critics can provide us with useful information. When faced with someone who is irate or concerned, here are a few hints.

• Act - don't react. Don't allow someone's childish behaviour to push you into acting childish yourself. Welcome their input and give them a fair hearing. I have found Proverbs 15:1 speaks very well to this situation: "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." Show grace. 
• Consider the source. Is this person someone whose opinion you value? If so, be sure to listen intently. Often, however, when someone approaches a leader about an issue, it's not about the issue, it's about them. People are people, and all people have problems. Sometimes leaders make great targets for criticism because they are out front. And sometimes they are having problems with everyone and you're the only one they can come to. When criticism is completely unfounded, ignore it. 
• Look for the nugget of truth. We can learn from almost everyone. See and hear through the bluster and try to find something of value to take away from your meeting. Invite your critic to help you with suggestions.
• Thank your critic. This is difficult to do, but helpful. A wise leader I spoke to about an issue surprised me with this statement, he said, "Thank you for feeling comfortable enough to share your concerns with me." He gained a great deal of respect from me in a tough situation.
• Win them over. Handling a confrontation well can often result in a much stronger relationship. As a Christian leader, I recognize that people are not my enemies, they're in need of God's grace, as am I.

Act on what you've learned.
When your employees or volunteers care enough to speak out about an issue, it means that it matters to them. Sometimes it means that changes do actually need to be made. When this is the case, actions speak louder than words. A leader is willing to respond when they see the need gains leadership points with their followers. Those who build a wall and ignore their critics will soon find themselves isolated.

Create the proper vehicle for input.
Here's a good question, when your people see something that needs to change, how can they go about providing that suggestion? Here's one suggested method. Communicate that you are open for suggestions. Tell your people that for every issue they recognize you would like them to provide two possible solutions or alternatives. This gives them permission to participate and may provide some great ideas. It will also likely help you to avoid some not-so-pleasant encounters.

Communication problems are one of the most common problems in organizations. People want their voices to be heard. For most people, I've found that their hearts are in the right place and they really want to help. Believe in your people, value them and listen to them. People will be either your greatest asset or your greatest liability, see them as the former.

Grow through the criticism.
Don't take it personally - all leaders are criticized. You will usually find that criticism can become a great tool for your personal growth. Early in my ministry I found that I was taking a lot of heat, and it bothered me. But when I really took the time to consider what was being said, I found much of it to be true. This resulted in some major changes in my life. If I had rejected the criticism outright, as many do, I would have put a cap on my own potential.

Ask yourself, what can I learn from this? What skill do I need that can help me to do better? If you're hearing the same criticism from different sources, you should seriously consider dealing with that issue. In all of these things, having mentors you can trust to share with is invaluable. Talk to them about what you're hearing, and ask them for honest feedback. Remember, "Iron sharpens iron." Sometimes the greatest opportunities come from uncomfortable circumstances.  

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Key Leadership Qualities - Perspective

When we speak of perspective in regards to leadership, we're usually talking about the ability to see the big picture; the larger the organization, the more important this quality becomes. It's folly to think that all of us see the world the same way. The truth is we interpret the world through our own lens, based on experience, education, and any number of other factors.

Recognizing this fact is important for those in leadership. To ignore this reality can easily result in misinterpreting the facts and making wrong decisions that can adversely affect the organization. Beyond using your own judgement, process in dicision-making is important. So, here's the question, how do we maintain a proper perspective?

Gather the right people. Who needs to be in the room for you to have as clear a picture as possible of the situation? Consultation should include those who will be the most affected by the decision to be made. It should also include those who have particular expertise in the subject being discussed. I have a number of mentors that I can call on who are gifted or skilled in different areas. Their perspective adds to my own experience.

Get the facts. Knowledge is power. There's nothing worse than making a decision only to find out later that you didn't have all of the information you needed. Sometimes it's necessary to take the time to research; this need grows with the importance of the decision. What do you need to have in front of you in order to do the right thing? Don't be guilty of failing to do your homework.

Ask the right questions. This is about interpretation. Facts may be facts, but they can sometimes be open to interpretation. What do they mean? If you have trendlines moving up or down, the question is why? What are the factors influencing those trends? Are they internal or external? What do you hope to achieve with this decision? What are the benefits? Is the risk worth the reward? Create your own list of questions, who, what, where, when, why and how?

Perspective is really gained by all of these things and more. At the end of the day, it can be developed, but it seems to be another one of those innate gifts. The leader with perspective is able to see the effect of a decision, not just on a department, but on an entire organization. They're also able to see those effects from a long-term, rather than a short-term view. This type of leader is especially valuable because they see what others don't, and that is a huge advantage.

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Are You Teachable?
Iron Sharpens Iron

Are You Teachable?

As a leader for many years, and one who has been responsible for filling both staff and volunteer positions, I’ve had to think long and hard about the qualities to look for in a candidate. As I’m interviewing people, one of the biggest things that I’m looking for is teachability.

Everyone, of course, must first pass the Character test – are there flaws in this person’s character that will eventually cause them to self-destruct? They also must pass the Competency test – if hired, does this person have the skills necessary to fill the role they are being asked to fill? Beyond those two obvious ones – and competency can be acquired – one that I believe strongly in is the Capacity for Change test. In other words, is this person teachable? Can they learn?

Let me explain why I have placed this criteria right near the top of my list. If I know anything about leadership it is this: good leaders are life-long learners. So here’s the question: how can we be sure that we are continuing to learn? What does it mean to be teachable?

1.       Being teachable is more about attitude than aptitude.

Many years ago the Carnegie Institute analyzed the records of ten thousand people and concluded that 15 percent of success is due to technical training. The other 85 percent is due to personality, and the primary personality trait identified by the research is attitude.

While having a lot of talent is helpful, I’d much rather have someone with a teachable spirit than a Mensa member who already thinks they know everything. The reason for this is obvious: no-one knows everything. A potent combination is the person with great talent who is also teachable.  

We see examples of this in virtually every major sport. Young phenoms arrive on the professional scene having dominated everyone in their age group throughout their life. But once they reach a certain level, they find themselves competing head-to-head with others with similar track records. Those who go on to have successful, even spectacular, careers, are those who continue to apply themselves to learning new skills and techniques, and who embrace the discipline necessary to take their game to the next level.

If this is a weakness for you, John Maxwell, in his book Developing The Leader Within You recommends two things to help change your attitude: First, say the right words, read the right books, listen to the right lessons, be with the right people, do the right things and pray the right prayer.

The second was to do number one every day, not just once or only when you feel like it, and watch your life change for the better.

2.       Being teachable is more about humility than ability.   

This may seem like the same thing at first blush, but it’s not. Humility is all about recognizing that we can learn from anyone; it’s the understanding that there is much that we don’t understand.

John Haggai, author the outstanding book Lead On wrote that: “The man who knows everything, learns nothing, and so it is a humble attitude that sets the stage for the knowledge and know-how that lead to success.” It’s the humble person who realizes that we learn more when we listen than when we talk.

When Harry Truman was thrust into the presidency after the death of Franklin Roosevelt, a friend took him aside: “From here on out, you’re going to have lots of people around you. They’ll try to put up a wall around you and cut off any ideas but theirs. They’ll tell you what a great man you are, Harry. But you and I both know you ain’t.” There’s an important lesson here – we all have a lot to learn.

3.       Being teachable is more about the future than today.

As Mahatma Gandhi said, “The difference between what we do and what we are capable of doing would solve most of the world’s problems.” This speaks of potential. The person who is not teachable is placing a hard cap on their own potential. They are denying themselves a preferable future because, being unwilling to learn, they will be unable to change.

All of the good leaders that I know have a personal growth plan. They’ve actually sat down and looked at what they are doing to develop their leadership abilities in order to be better tomorrow than they are today. Benjamin Franklin said, “By improving yourself, the world is made better. Be not afraid of growing too slowly. Be afraid only of standing still. Forget your mistakes, but remember what they taught you.”

I believe that we have an obligation to our Creator to make the most of what He has given us. In the church it’s called stewardship. The question for all of us is this: what are we doing today to make us better tomorrow? Make a determination that you will begin today to make positive change. Here are a few suggestions:

Read. Many years ago I made a commitment to read from a wide variety of points of view in order to be relevant when I spoke. I read numerous newspapers and magazines as well as books ranging from biographies to novels, works of history, leadership, politics and theology. This helps to keep my mind active.

Listen. When I’m traveling by myself I’ll carry CD’s on Leadership from a wide variety of speakers. There are any number of downloadable podcasts out there as well that are well worth the time and effort. Also, make it a habit of listening to those around you. Cultivate an attitude that asks, “what can I learn from this person?”

Attend Conferences. I have made it a habit to attend at least one major leadership conference yearly in order to stay fresh. At this writing, I’m looking forward to The Leadership Summit in two weeks time. I find that the wide variety of speakers and ideas helps me to think creatively and challenges my assumptions.

Expose yourself to successful leaders. The internet is making our world ever smaller. We all can easily avail ourselves of the best resources from the best people. But also, as a pastor, I enjoy visiting great churches. When I’m on vacation, I try to arrange plans so that I can visit churches that are doing great things. It helps to broaden my mind and change my opinion of what’s possible.  

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