Why Don't You Like Me?

A lot of people go through life asking this question - why don't they like me? They look at others who are surrounded by friends and who seem to be people magnets and wonder - why can't that be me?

Believe it or not, many studies have been done to determine just exactly what it is that causes us to like someone. You may be surprised by the results. In his book, The Me I Want To Be, John Ortberg shares that "Out of all the causes - physical attractiveness, IQ, ability, personality type - the number one factor that determines whether or not you will like another person is whether or not they like us. If they like you, you will like them. If they don't like you, you will not like them." Of course there are exceptions, but in general this is true. So what are the implications of this?

For one thing, it appears that how we interact with people has a great deal to do with how they treat us. It seems that what Dale Carnegie taught years ago is true. He wrote a book called How to Win Friends and Influence People that was a bestseller for a long time. Here's a quote from that book: "You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you." In light of the studies Ortberg talks about, this seems to be borne out in real life.

The question, then, would seem to be, how can we develop a genuine interest in people? I'm not talking about learning sales techniques in order to fool someone into thinking that you like them. I'm talking about learning how to genuinely be a people person. I think the greatest example of this in history is Jesus Christ.

As we read the Gospels we find that people were drawn to him, and no wonder. He welcomed every encounter with anyone who was genuine. Even with those with whom He disagreed, His goal was to point them towards the truth. He crossed social and cultural boundaries to add value to people who were outcasts. He made world-changers out of people to whom no-one else paid attention. What did He see that others didn't?

Jesus knew that every person He laid eyes on was created in the image of God, and as such, had innate value. It was this principle that the U.S. founding fathers seized on as they stated in the preamble to the Declaration of Independence: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness."

In the context of Jesus' life and actions, He treated each person who came to Him with respect, recognizing their intrinsic value. As Bill Hybels said, “We have never locked eyes with someone that did not matter to God.” Christians, in particular, need to grasp this truth. We may disagree with people, but we don't have to be disagreeable.

It's about your attitude.

You can either see people as assets or enemies. If you view them with suspicion, they will sense that and not be drawn to you. If, however, you're one of those who believes that every stranger is simply a friend you haven't met yet, you will have no shortage of friends. Treat people as you wish to be treated (the Golden Rule). As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "Trust men and they will be true to you; treat them greatly and they will show themselves great."

Let's look at some good habits to develop if you want to be a people person.

• Smile.

This is so easy to do and makes such a big difference. Have you noticed that a smile is infectious? Try it on the next person you meet. Smile and greet them warmly. First impressions are important and a smile gives a good first impression. Most of the time it is reciprocated. When it's not, let it go.

• Show genuine interest.

Don't pry - that can be creepy. But allow the other person to tell you something about themselves. Engage in the conversation. One thing I've learned is that everyone has a story, everyone has dreams, and everyone wants to be heard. The problem with many of us is that we're often too busy talking about ourselves to listen. Good listeners are never lonely.

• Remember names.

This is something I have to work on. I remember when I first came to my current congregation. I met a man in the foyer before the service and we talked for a few minutes. As he left I said, "Goodbye Fred, it was nice meeting you." Now sixteen years later he has still not forgotten that I remembered his name. (I wish I could do that all the time). One method to try is to use the person's name three times in a conversation before you say goodbye. That helps to match the name with the face in your memory bank. There's no sweeter sound to people than their own name.

• Add value to people.

What can you do to make a difference in the life of the people you meet? Can you connect them with someone? Can you share information with them? Can you buy them a coffee? This afternoon I was in the drive-thru at the coffee shop when I noticed a friend of mine was in the truck behind me. I decided to be nice and buy his coffee. When I pulled up to the window I was surprised to find that the vehicle in front of me had already purchased mine! None of us spent a lot of money, but the kindness brought a smile to all of our faces.

Let me conclude with some helpful quotes on the subject:

• "This is the final test of a gentleman: his respect for those who can be of no possible service to him." - William Lyon Phelps
• "To love a person means to see him as God intended him to be." - Fyodor Dostoyevski
• "The most useful person in the world today is the man or woman who knows how to get along with other people. Human relations is the most important science in living." - Stanley C. Allyn
• "You have two choices: You can act as though you tolerate people, or you can appreciate people. Those who appreciate people are going to make others more comfortable." - Roger Ailes
• "If you judge people, you have no time to love them." - Mother Teresa

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Learn This Lesson First

There are many versions of this lesson, but I'll share it the way that I heard it the first time.

There was once a wise teacher who was asked to speak with a group of professionals and business students. He decided that the best way to communicate with them was through an object lesson. Here is what he shared.

He took a large one-gallon, wide-mouthed mason jar and sat it on the table in front of him. Then he took some large rocks and began to put them in the jar, one at a time, until he could fit no more in the jar. He then looked up at his accomplished students and asked them, "What do you think? Is the jar full?" All of them said, "Yes!"

He then pulled a jar of gravel from under the table and poured it into the mason jar, shaking it as he did so that the gravel filled the cracks between the rocks. He then asked the question again, "Is the jar full?" This time some of the students said "Yes," and some said, "No."

He proceeded to pull out another jar, this one of sand, from beneath the table, and began to pour it into the mason jar, filling each crevice that was left between the gravel stones. One more time he asked, "Is it full?" This time, the response was timid, again with some saying "Yes," and some "No."

He then took a ptcher of water on the table and began to pour it into the jar, continuing until the water reached the top of the jar. As he finished pouring he said, "Now, it is full." Then he asked, "Now, what is the lesson?"

An eager student raised his hand and said, "The lesson is that no matter how busy you are, you can always find time to do something else."

The teacher shook his head and said, "No, the lesson is this, if you don't put the big rocks in first, you'll never get them in at all."

Here is a profound lesson on priorities - putting first things first. It's a lesson that has been stated in different ways by different people at different times. The greatest teacher in history, Jesus Christ, basically said it like this: "Love God first, then love people; everything else follows after these." (Matthew 22:37-39 - my paraphrase).

What is it that you are choosing to put in your jar first? What are the priorities that govern your life? Some choose success, position, money, fame or pleasure. All of us find, at some point in our lives, that none of these can provide long-term satisfaction, and certainly not anything of eternal significance.

The greatest lesson that any leader can learn is to, first, humble themself before the God of the universe. As Billy Graham said, "Wise men know when to bow." The writer of Proverbs wrote in Proverbs 9:10 - "The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom." We were created for eternity, by God, for His purposes. Understanding this first can keep us from the fate of many who have climbed the ladder of success, reached the top, and found that it was leaning against the wrong building. Don't let that be said of you.

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Key Leadership Qualities - Servanthood

The following is an article I've held onto since it was originally written by Mark Earley in June of 2007. As I was looking at this subject matter I came across it again and thought I'd share it with you. Servanthood is not often talked about in leadership circles, but it is the pattern modeled by the greatest leader of all time - Jesus Christ. Remember what Max Depree said: “The first responsibility of a leader is to define reality. The last is to say thank you. In between, the leader is a servant.” Enjoy!

The Will to Power - To Reign or to Serve?

Note: This commentary was delivered by Prison Fellowship President Mark Earley.

Power. Even the word is seductive. A love of power can separate the most resolute of Christians from the true nature of Christian leadership, which is to serve others. This truth is perhaps most graphically illustrated in the world of politics.

As Chuck Colson writes in his marvelous new book, God & Government, the everyday business of politics is power, and power can be perilous.

The history of the last fifty years has richly validated Friedrich Nietzsche's argument that man's desire to control his own destiny and to impose his will on others is the most basic human motivation. Nietzsche's prophecy that the "will to power" would fill the twentieth-century's vacuum of values has been fulfilled through Hitler, Mao and Stalin, to name only the worst tyrants.

All governments use power to hang on to power—election-year favors and pork-barrel politics are even common here in America. But in regimes where there are few moral restraints, tyrants wield power shamelessly—and often viciously.

But remember this: power corrupts, but power itself is not necessarily corrupt. God has given power to the state to be used to restrain evil and maintain order. It is the use of power, whether for personal gain or for the state's ordained function, that is really at issue.

Jesus Christ turned conventional views of power upside-down. He not only offered mankind redemption, He also washed the dusty feet of His own followers. The apostle Paul said, "My power is made perfect in weakness."

As Chuck writes in God & Government, nothing distinguishes the kingdoms of man from the kingdom of God more than their diametrically opposed views of the exercise of power. One seeks to control people; the other seeks to serve people. One promotes self; the other prostrates self. One seeks prestige and position; the other lifts up the lowly and despised.

It's crucial for Christians to understand this difference. For through this upside-down view of power, the Kingdom of God can play a special role in the affairs of the world.

When we, as citizens of the Kingdom today, practice this view of power, we're setting an example for our neighbors by modeling servanthood — and exposing the illusions worldly power creates.

This doesn't mean that Christians can't use power. In positions of leadership, especially in government institutions, the Christian can wield power in good conscience. But the Christian uses power with a different motive and in a different way: to serve, to seek the common good, and to seek justice.


Those who accept the biblical view of servant leadership treat power as a humbling delegation from God, not as a right to control others.

The challenge for the Christian in a position of influence is to follow the example of Jesus, who knelt down to wash His disciples' feet, rather than embrace Nietzsche's will to power. In doing so, the citizen of the Kingdom can offer light to a world often shrouded by the dark pretensions of power-mad tyrants.

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